Questions of My Existence

     When did it all begin? I was very young when my views on reality started shifting. The simple question of 'why' was all it took for my mind to spiral off into the unknown. Questions about life and death weighed heavily on me as a child. That's when I fell down the rabbit hole. Once my thoughts began to expand the snowball effect was in motion. There's no stopping growth. 

      Who am I? I'm constantly changing. I am not the same person I was a moment ago and I never will be that person again. That caused great conflict within me for a while. An identity crisis of sorts. I had no foundations, there was nothing to ground me. My thoughts were carrying me away. I was out of touch with reality. Every time I would try and get a grasp on life it would slip through my fingers like water. But the thing is I'm already immersed in the sea of life so why am I trying to grasp it? I've been drifting though life with no attachments, nothing to anchor me down. I simply got lost.

     Where does the time go? The interesting part about remembering myself as a child is that I was not any different than I am now, but everything else is different. The conscious part of me has not changed in all these years. The core, essential part of my identity is unwavering. I thought I had lost myself when really, I was there the whole time. I was experiencing life. This is when I started to understand it all. In experiencing life, time passes by. Over time things change. This is the way of the physical world we inhabit. Our bodies will die, nothing lasts forever. But your body is only how you experience the world. There's still an unchanging voice in my head that is unaffected by time. This is the eternal part of me, my consciousness.

     Why are we here? I'm bound to a limited body while my consciousness knows no bounds. I can't tell if this should be a heaven or a hell, maybe both. I long to leave this world for the next but my body restricts me. I am so much more then all of this yet here I am, still stuck in this existence. Maybe I could make the most of it if I'm going to be here a while...

     What am I to do? I want to find the one thing that lights my fire at night. I've been longing to find a purpose in this life. I've questioned everything that has crossed my path letting myself slip further into the voids of my mind. The emptiness I feel is quite cold, slowly seeping through me. But when I find my true purpose it will reignite the flames buried deep beneath the coals of my heart. Once again, I will be alive, filled with warm from the love of my purpose.

Author: Jordan Bonneau


© Jordan Bonneau - Copyrighted photo, used with permission.

© Jordan Bonneau - Copyrighted photo, used with permission.